There was a time during the pandemic where I had become mindful of the life that I wanted to craft for myself, I set strict schedules and immersed myself into whatever I had to to get where I wanted to be.
There were many "awakenings" or lessons I learned at that time. But, the most important thing I learned was how to set a boundary, how to say no.
Now, growing up, I always did what I was expected to. Other people had expectations of me and my job was to fulfill them.
As I got older, time became limited. I could not do everything I wanted to do AND everything that I had to do. It comes down to making a decision, continue down this path or uproot my life? But little did I know that this was just about to be my first decision of many that were going to come.
The truth is that life is filled with decisions, and in making those decisions, we find ourselves grappling with how to say one of the simplest yet most powerful word: "No."
It's a seemingly straightforward word but it was one of the most challenging to utter. But why was it so hard to say "No," and how can you also overcome this difficulty?
How can understanding different influences help individuals navigate situations where they might need to decline a request or stand up for their own needs?
Now, as a student of psychology, I did a deep dive on why we have such a hard time saying no. Where do these difficulties take root from?
The difficulty in saying "no" is traced back to our ancestors' need for group cohesion and cooperation. In early human societies, survival completely depended on maintaining strong social bonds and working together as a group.
Saying "No" to a request meant damaging these essential relationships, leading to social isolation or exclusion, which had severe consequences in those times.
In more recent years, specifically Victorian England, social norms and expectations played a crucial role in people's behavior. It was a time when manners and etiquette were paramount, and refusing a request—saying "no"—was seen as an affront and a violation of social protocol.
An instance I want to focus on is the story of Lady Catherine, a character in Jane Austen's novel "Pride and Prejudice." Lady Catherine was notable for her inability to say "no," she'd go to great lengths to avoid direct refusal, reflecting the social norms of her time.
Her character illustrates how societal expectations can significantly influence individuals' behaviors, making it difficult to say "no" even when it might be in your best interest.
The difficulty of saying "no" is a universal human experience influenced by both societal and psychological factors. The societal expectation of being compliant and harmonious dissuades individuals from expressing disagreement or refusal.
From a psychological perspective, the fear of conflict, the desire to belong, the fear of disappointing others, and the tension between wanting to be unique and fit in are all significant influences.
Deference to authority and conformity has been stressed in many societies. As children, we are taught not to go against authority figures like parents, teachers, and other adults, instilling a fear of punishment and a desire to please. This training carries into adulthood, making it challenging to say "no" in situations where it might be the best choice.
At the same time, the need to belong is such a powerful psychological force that makes it hard to say "no." Research indicates that both men and women have a strong need to belong to a peer group. This need for acceptance and the fear of isolation is what leads individuals to agree to things they might not want to do.
It makes sense you don't want to disappoint or hurt others. But the range of things you can get stuck with include small decisions, like choosing a restaurant, to more significant life choices, like making a career move that others might not approve of.
How can understanding this dance of duality aid us in becoming more comfortable with asserting our boundaries and honoring our personal truths?
An interesting paradox that I've also observed is that while we want to fit in, we also desire to be seen as unique and special. This tension complicates our ability to say "no" even more. Sometimes, you want to go against authority to assert your individuality, but this can also backfire and lead to social exclusion.
In our journey through life, we find ourselves at the crossroads for belonging and individuality. On one hand, we yearn to be part of a collective, a community, a tribe—longing for the comfort and camaraderie that comes with shared experiences, common goals, and mutual understanding.
On the other hand, there is a deep-rooted, soulful desire to express your unique self, to honour your personal truths and to assert your individuality.
These two forces are seemingly at odds with each other, stir within each of us as a dance of duality—each taking turns leading and following. This dance weaves the fabric of our existence, shaping our interactions and decisions, including our ability to say "no."
The desire to belong, to be accepted, to fit in, can make saying "no" feel like a transgression. It can seem as though you are rejecting the collective, placing yourself outside the circle of acceptance.
Simultaneously, the call to honour your uniqueness, to assert your individuality prompts you to go against the grain, to challenge the status quo, to say "no" to that which does not resonate with your personal truth. This path too has its trials.
As you stand in your uniqueness, you may face the misunderstanding or disapproval of others. I know that I faced it for a while when I was getting comfortable saying no.
What are some strategies for becoming more comfortable with saying "no," and how can they help individuals align their decisions with their personal values and priorities?
I know we have gone over all the reasons of "why" this happens. But, the question is how do you become comfortable saying no? Here are some strategies to assist:
1. Understand Your Priorities: Knowing what is important to you can help in determining when to say "no." If a request or opportunity does not align with your priorities or values, it may be a situation where "No" is the appropriate response.
Priorities are unique to every individual, just like fingerprints. They are shaped by our own experiences, personal beliefs, aspirations, and the values we hold dear. They provide a sense of direction and purpose in our life. When we have a clear understanding of our priorities, we're able to see where we wish to invest our time, energy, and resources.
For example, if one of your top priorities is to maintain a healthy work-life balance, and you are presented with a job offer that offers a lucrative salary but demands excessive working hours, saying "no" would be in alignment with your priority. Or if you're committed to personal growth and learning, and you're asked to continue in a role that offers no opportunities for advancement or challenge, "no" might be the best response.
2. Practice Assertiveness: Being assertive does not mean being aggressive or unkind. It's about expressing your needs and wants in a respectful manner. Practicing assertiveness can help you become more comfortable with saying "No."
Consider a scenario where a friend asks you to help them with a task that you don't have time for. An aggressive response might be to lash out at the friend, accusing them of being inconsiderate. A passive response might be to reluctantly agree to help, despite your own time constraints, leading to stress and resentment. An assertive response would involve politely but firmly declining, explaining your current time constraints, and perhaps suggesting an alternative way you could assist.
3. Cultivate Self-Compassion: Remember that you have a right to your time and energy. It's not selfish to prioritize your needs, and it's okay to say "No" when you're overextended or need self-care.
Think about it this way: If you had a physical injury, you would take the necessary steps to rest and heal. The same principle applies to our psychological and emotional well-being.
If you are feeling overextended, depleted, or stressed, it's not only okay but necessary to take time for rest and rejuvenation. This means saying "no" to additional responsibilities, social engagements, or other demands on our time and energy.
4. Use "No" Scripts: Having a prepared response can make it easier to say "No." A "No" script might be something like, "I appreciate your request, but I am currently unable to take on any more commitments."
Having a "no" script can ease the pressure of having an immediate response, especially in situations where the request is unexpected or comes from someone you find difficult to refuse, such as a superior at work, a close friend, or a family member. It reduces the stress of thinking on your feet and gives you a ready-made, respectful way of saying "no."
A "no" script can go something like, "I appreciate your request, but I can't take on any more commitments." It works well because it acknowledges and validates the request, it helps maintain the relationship, and clearly communicates that you are unable to accommodate their request without going into unnecessary detail or offering apologies.
Other scripts include phrases such as, "I'd love to help, but I've already committed to ___ and I need to honor that," or "Thank you for considering me, but I won't be able to participate at this time." These scripts are respectful, clear, and concise, making it easier for the other person to accept your refusal.
5. Seek Professional Help: If the fear of saying "No" is causing significant distress or difficulty in your life, it might be helpful to seek the assistance of a mental health professional. They can provide tools and strategies to help you navigate this challenge.
Being able to say "no" is an integral part of a successful life strategy. It may not always be easy, but by acknowledging the challenges and continually practicing, we can develop the art of saying "no" in a manner that respects ourselves and others.
Remember that it's not always about saying "no," but about saying "yes" to the things that truly matter, to the things that align with our values, and to the things that enrich our lives. As we learn to say "no" more effectively, we free ourselves to say "yes" to the opportunities that truly resonate with us, leading us towards a more fulfilling and balanced life.