The Modern Dating System Is Broken

A few days ago, a girl went viral on Twitter for voicing her disappointments with the modern dating system on the Whatever podcast. People were quick to judge her, whether it was through mocking her poor communication skills or commenting on her looks. But while they were busy counting the number of times she used the word “like” in a sentence, they forgot to pay attention to the very important point she was making: the modern dating system is broken.

The traditional style of dating, i.e. coffee dates, dinners, and courting, has been replaced by the dreaded “talking stage,” a time of confusion and lack of commitment for both parties involved. A talking stage is a pre-relationship phase where individuals text constantly and even hook up without the pressure of a label. Instead of going out on dates, getting to know one another over coffee and making sure their values align with the other, people involved in the talking stage are quick to jump into bed with a stranger.

It’s not surprising that this phase would frustrate most people. As the girl in the video mentions, most times, women get attached to the man with no guarantee of commitment, leading to eventual heartbreak.

But how does this attachment begin? It begins with the woman often feeling pressured to give her body away to the man because she believes it's the only way to earn a man’s commitment. With the man not having to work for the most intimate aspect of a relationship and the most sacred part of a woman’s body, he has no desire to commit or provide for her—a vicious cycle.

“Men are the gatekeepers of relationships, and women are the gatekeepers of sex.”

This is a commonly used phrase to describe the male-female dynamic in dating, and I couldn’t agree more. Men are the ones who pursue a woman for sex. Meanwhile, women pursue a man for a relationship. A man decides when he wants to enter into a relationship with a woman, and a woman decides when she wants to have sexual relations with a man. This dynamic in relationships has persisted for centuries until now.

In the modern world, men and women have forgotten the power they individually hold. Men no longer find value in protecting and providing for a woman, so they keep her from entering into a relationship with them. Women no longer realize the value of their bodies to a man, so they give theirs away regardless of whether a man wants to be in a relationship with them.

Typically, relationships are God's realm. They cannot be forced. Two people find each other by chance and decide to build a life together. But this can no longer happen when men and women fundamentally distrust one another's motives.

Many women believe they are not worthy of love or commitment without giving up their bodies. We can blame this on a number of things: bad/missing father figures, social media, pornography, and movies/ TV shows that encourage promiscuity. This core belief is the reason why many women will readily jump into bed with a stranger, hoping that sex will be enough to move from the dating stage into an actual relationship when that’s hardly the case.

Exhibit A:

Aside from her frustrations about the world of modern dating, she asks an important question: “When exactly are women supposed to have sex with a man we are genuinely interested in having a relationship with if he hasn’t told us he wants to be in a committed relationship with us yet?”

The answer is simple: never.

As a woman, you don’t have to seek a relationship with every man you’re interested in. If he fails to give you access to a relationship with him, giving him your body will not solve your problems, it will only exacerbate them.

There’s also nothing wrong with stating your boundaries around sexual relations, i.e. “I don’t have sex unless I’m in a relationship or married.” It’s not manipulation to want to share the most sacred part of yourself in a safe and trusted setting, and if he is not willing to give you access to a relationship, he does not care about protecting or providing for you. The best thing you can do is move on.

There’s scientific evidence backing the fact that having sexual relations with another individual releases chemicals in your brain that bond you strongly to them, making it much harder to move on after a failed talking stage. This is why it’s important to date without physical intimacy until you both decide to enter into a relationship together, or better yet, wait until marriage.

There is no value for you, a woman, to have sexual relations with many men because you believe it will validate you or bring you security. Typically the only thing it does is break you.

If he sleeps around with other women while dating you and you’re uncomfortable with that, again, you have the freedom to leave and choose a partner who aligns with your values and respects your boundaries. The problem ends with the understanding that you are responsible for making good choices for yourself. You can't complain that you're being mistreated by a man you're not even in a relationship with. You only deal with what you allow.

On the flip side, men have their own reasons and fears of modern relationships and commitments.

A lot of men believe that they simply no longer derive value from being in a relationship with a woman other than sex. They believe that since women no longer do their feminine responsibilities in a relationship, for example, making dinner, cleaning, etc., they are better off not getting into a relationship in the first place.

Men also believe that the risk of being in a marriage is much greater than the incentive and that they don’t want to risk divorce and the problems that come with that for women who do not treat them well in the first place.

If you’re a man looking for a feminine woman that aligns with your values, you need to make that your priority. You’ll find her at a religious institution like a church or through mutual and trusted connections/ community.

There’s immense value in raising a family as a man. Fathers play an incredibly important role in a child’s life, and the lack of father figures leads to an epidemic of lost young adults. Men also derive a lot of meaning and purpose from providing for and protecting others since the dawn of time, and without men accepting and rising to this responsibility, society falls apart.

You have to accept your role, and instead of being resentful, strive to find a woman you can trust and lead.

Clearly, both sexes have problems with each other, and the fears of what-ifs and horror stories from friends and family keep them from fully trusting and loving each other in committed relationships. Women believe that all men want is sex, and men believe that female empowerment has led them to be unimportant and less respected in a woman’s life.

These fundamental misunderstandings fuel hatred and resentment, and we end up with a generation of individuals who are not getting married or having children.

There were 98,355 marriages registered in Canada in 2020, the lowest annual number recorded since 1938, when the population was much smaller than it is today.

The number of marriages registered in 2020 was one-third lower (-33%) than in 2019 (146,121)—the largest annual decline since 1921.

Over the last 50 years, the marriage rate in the U.S. has dropped by nearly 60%.

These are just some statistics that show how dire the situation is.

The truth is that marriage is more than an institution, and committed relationships provide much more to the individual than just the tangible and transactional benefits. Human relationships are challenging and confusing, yet they are also our greatest source of growth, understanding and fulfillment throughout life. One must ask themselves if a life of loneliness is worth more than the challenges that come with becoming one with someone.

There are also useful strategies and dating tips to help men and women find partners who align with their interests, beliefs, and values. Our aim for this section of the blog is not only to bring you those resources but to help renew your faith in traditions as old as time that benefit both men and women in finding reliable, committed partners for life.

We are also creating our very own dating app called Based dating. Our goal is to create an app that's counter-culture, made specifically for individuals who are tired of progressive ideology seeping into their everyday life. Stay tuned for more information on that.

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